Walking a Mile In Another's Shoes

October 4, 2012

There are no time outs or do-over’s on this long journey. I guess it’s like a hind sight scenario…My life would be so different if “do-over’s” were possible. We can consciously or even unconsciously choose to not participate as life passes us by, but time waits for no one. There are physical and mental conditions that can affect participation at all levels. There are moments when all types of emotions seem to influence our lives regardless of how much our essence is influenced by them. There is a difference between “needed time” and patience. 

Highly sensitive people seem to react to life moments in a more extreme way than the average individual. I am actually drawn like a magnet to these types of individuals because I am one of them as well. At times it’s a blessing and it fulfills my life with many layers of depth and then others the emotional sensitivity feels like an overwhelming haze that overcomes you.

What I am going to try and do here is heighten the awareness level to other levels of emotional layers that affect the lives of everyone willing to look. We are all affected by the energy of life and yet the way this energy affects each of us is as varying as the world’s diverse population. We are all different, but there are many common threads. For the purpose of this conversation I will only speak from a personal perspective. If there is interest I know others with similar and yet far different perspectives that would be willing to participate that I have had conversations with in the past 2 years. The intent is for this page to continue here as a basis for where some of the Word Whisperer poetry blog entries are rooted.   Thoughts regarding mental health based experiences and self help tools, with this  separate blog.   The creative expressions from Word Whisperer, which do relate at this point because they are written at a parallel time,but visitors may stop reading there if it is too dark so I have held back posting writing from those times. 

The timing may be poor right now however, because I am farther into an anxiety, depression cycle which makes it harder to try to get a new project started. I do know it will pass and at that time I will deal with it all as winter approaches. To lay some groundwork, a bit of explanation is needed in the hopes of understanding what has happened and how there are times when we just do not have complete control over the influence of the energy that surrounds us.

For now I won’t need to go back any farther than March of 2012. It was the beginning of a chain of events that were like dominoes all lined up for miles and then one unexpected event started the fall. Prior to that early spring day, things were the best they had been in about 7 years of traumatic times ( if we get there and it serves a purpose, that will come later). Alignment was pretty good and there was a sense of balance not felt in 20 years. Above all else I was finding a freedom from unhappiness. You see I found a new sense of urgency after I had witnessed a drowning and had failed at trying to save the victim. In the aftermath of that day, I had been on a mission to hurry up and start living or hurry up and start dying and the former was the obvious choice. For several years now I have had an unsettling internalized debate as to whether I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. The right place at the wrong time or the right place at the right time in order to save my own life, being unable to save the victims. There just has to be a purpose for all this. At some point I will either look back and realize how strong 

I have become or not ? 

I ended up in this moment because of a physical accident which caused a severe tear in my right shoulder rotator cuff. Immediately my life changed because I had no use of my right extremity, which is my dominant hand. You have no idea how you depend on a hand until you lose use and I have a new sense of compassionate understanding towards those who have had permanent loss. As a writer, musician, as anything really it becomes daunting. I thought I’m young and strong I’ll just heal so I wasted 3 months before the inevitable surgery over 3 months ago. As time passed strength diminished, because the arm was immobilized for 7 weeks 24/7 and at the end of that atrophy had set in and now I have a one pound weight limit as I try to regain a range of motion during the chronic pain of physical therapy which will go on for months ahead. I had to type with one hand for about 5 & ½ months and just now am getting close to typing again at a reasonable level. I have thought about just giving up, but from past experience I know that is the depression speaking not me. Some times events tear away at you mentally and physically, one piece at a time, until equilibrium is lost. The results vary based on past history. I am not ashamed to admit here and now that I have a genetic tendency that leans towards anxiety and depression and I am here to advocate for the understanding of those who silently suffer throughout their lives, never telling a soul what eats from the inside out because of the fear of social stigma. Something I have experienced first hand. It actually creates a form of social anxiety.

Last Wednesday seemed like the final straw to break the camels back. The cause is yet to be determined, perhaps a fall, but I experienced a vertigo event at 6 AM that scared me to death and caused a panic attack.

Knowing absolutely nothing about the condition I thought I was having an aneurysm It came at a time when I was dealing with the many emotions that have been building for these past months; frustrations not dealt with, feelings buried alive do not die, they just keep piling on to the breaking point and that may have been the cause as well... The bottom line is it really doesn't matter I am here and now. Yesterday I had the Dix–Hallpike test or Nylen–Barany test used as a diagnostic maneuver to identify benign paroxysmal positional vertigo (BPPV). The test was positive and the reaction was so strong that there was a type of body tremor. Sleeping in an upright position and a non stop head ache is the current aftermath. Had this chain of events happened to me just before I tried to save the drowning victim then possibility I would have felt the potential to jump off a cliff...another tell tale sign of clinical depression.

 
So far, if anyone reads this, you may be wondering where I’m going with this. It is cathartic for some who have traumatic events and possibly have post traumatic stress disorder because of them, to retrace your steps and then follow the traces back out into the moment and then beyond. 

The problem at this moment is after the test yesterday after noon I had a hard time remembering anything initially. I made another appointment to treat the other side yesterday and asked 5 minutes later if they had given it to me. I had to wait in my car for over an hour before I felt safe to drive because I had no one to drive me. When depressed on top of this, your mind can get twisted like your tongue or even thick which makes it had to speak or write coherently until it passes.I will need to wait until sometime after tomorrow’s test and treatment of the other side to go forward here…