Early today this started out as a letter to someone I had not spoken to in a few days and was a follow up to where we had left off last week. I thought this friend wanted to be part of my life but I was wrong again...Considering the subject matter I decided to come back here and add it to the Domino pile as they seem to continue to relentlessly fall.
…This week has gone much like I anticipated so far and it was been good to see a few people I have not seen in a while at the fund raiser. It seems as though I am not the only person that struggles with the holidays. For me, too much alone time is toxic and the opposite of what I need.
There is a tendency for me to become more vulnerable towards codependency this time of year. These past 8 months have exacerbated it. At least I know it and try to channel the need to feel needed, mutually needed really, into volunteer projects. I can battle with illusions of rejection because of what I perceive to be true. It is deeply rooted in the early years and at least I am aware of it so I continue to try to discover new ways to cope long term…It isn't something I can just accept. I have tried that and it seems more like denial in my case.
The local Hospice Tree Of Life ceremony is right after Thanksgiving and some how I will find a way to participate. I had not really thought much about how much interaction I have had with Hospice, until I started thinking about Music RX again. I got into Music RX in December last year. It is not one of their programs but a Hospice nurse/friend encouraged me to participate before my injury last March…What I cannot do is go to the children’s hospitals without participating. It is far too emotional for me and is why I have been unable to become a CCA Chemo Pal even though I want to. I guess music is a crutch in a way…It takes the social anxiety away when I am able to be behind the music instead of in front of it.
There are so many rescue missions in a big city that provide much needed help this time of year as it turns cold and wet on the streets. A hot meal is truly the first step in establishing hope. People can get coats, sundries, toiletries, blankets as well as opportunities for out reach programs like medical and mental health access. All those things are not enough…Love is the thing needed most and that is what giving to the less fortunate is about in my mind.
I wish there were some missions around here closer. However, the 30 minute drive isn't that bad. If the practice group goes back to Sundays, then I could start the day at the gospel mission I went to as a child and early teen, work the soup kitchen, explore the city for the day and then hit the practice group session late afternoon. That is the direction I was headed in March. There is a senior center in the closest town that needs so help, but those folks don’t have the same kinds of needs. I get the "street" because I have been there.
It relates more to the drawbacks of a large population center and those that fall off the grid because of assorted circumstances. Some just choose to live a non-conformists life. That is their choice but not the ones I see myself as committed to trying to help. I have had some self destructive episodes in the city when I was younger. I was not supervised and ended up in the gutter, the sidewalk and in soup kitchens and soup kitchen lines. How many kids did you know that went to jail for curfew violations and were never picked up because the cops couldn't reach the parents? I had to stay in jail with the hookers, drunks and druggies…It happened more than once before I was 18…
Thinking of it reminds me that I had an uncle that stayed in my room after he was kicked out of my dad’s mom and dad’s house. He was an alcoholic and my dad had to bail him out of jail a couple of times a month and offer a bed to sleep it off. What could dad do? It was his brother…He would sneak whiskey into my bedroom upstairs where he would get drunk and pass out. It sounds a bit scary but he would never have hurt me. Once I saw him pull his own tooth with a pair of pliers…Yikes!!!
Well…I did not plan on talking about street life and the holidays but this has been an extremely difficult day so I guess I needed to…Really I think I am reminded today, to be thankful and grateful I have a roof over my head and food on my table even if I am more lonely than ever. When you are alone you can get self absorbed and forget how good you have it.
I just hope that the few people that will read this will just reach out to someone over the holidays or any day for that matter…There are a lot of people that look like me that are very lonely during the holidays even though you would never notice because it eats away invisibly, from the inside out.….
I could be your neighbor or the server from the coffee shop or that face you remembered drinking alone in the bar, that face you will not easily forget for some unknown reason. You may not be able to tell those eyes apart from looking into the mirror. When you see some hollow, vacant eyes…say hello in there….
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