5. "What Am I Here and Now?"

A few weeks ago someone asked me “who are you?” I didn't answer then, albeit a narcissistic answer now, there doesn't seem any other way to answer without over using “ I ”…  Every time I ask this question, I get a different answer. So this has an update from the last time I pondered the question...

What Am I Here and Now? 

Humanity is flesh and bones, living mortals,

loving human form never born to live alone
I am red, brown and white, a half breed
caught in-between an age old racist fight

This man was once a family's’ baby child
That child is now a man
A man was born and children raised,
once abused and abandoned
back when neighbors sadly looked the other way

But I am a survivor, no longer black and blue
Just a lasting scared vanished memory
remembrances hidden from blinded eyes view
We’ve been mistreated, we’ve felt disgraced
I just keep on trying to find amazing grace

I’ve been a loser who suffered
through intense emotional plight
Never even remotely understanding
when the time was true to come in
out of the rain, or how to lose
the haunting blues darkest nights

I’ve been a prince, never wanting to be a king
Now a pauper, a victim of a heartless emotional thief
Exhaled in a long since forgotten sigh of relief
Escaping like the setting sun without a printable trace

I am known as "mister". I’m a slave.

A forgone conclusion waiting patiently

for kindness to shine a guiding light 

I am naked truth, a clothed advocate for humanity lost

An organic gardener, who grows food from earthen soul
to be able give away food of life.

I've been bought then sold

for less than what I’m worth 

I got caught up in such a high cost

paying the price for those who came before me

quenching their remorseless thirst

I’ve been lost and I’ve been found
Looking over my shoulder while never really knowing
when, why, how or even if I turned out wrong

I’ve been forgiven and wrongly blamed,
feeling so much misguided guilt
for my innocence actually being stole
I have been a lover, cutting deep like a knife to the bone
A shooter of arrows straight through a cold heart of stone

I have shared passion’s trembling release

I’ve been a fool,

forsaking all hope for faith in trust
I’ve been caught in the crossfire

when evil triumphed over love

I was called bipolar, I’ve been called insane
I’ve been too damn ashamed to reveal my given name
I was once invisible but now I stand tall,
with a humble hope to help see you through it all.
I’ve been the Rock of Gibraltar, the philosopher’s stone,
With the key to the highway yet a locker of the comfort zone

I’ve been pushed back by a pusher, a puller of teeth,
a singer of love songs eradicating a breaker of sacred hearts
Keep your secrets to yourself
Once forsaken by the road never crossed
I became my own invasive shadow
like an endless heartache on a lonely night

I am a dream believer, knowing all things must pass
A word whisperer to the ancient voices
as the gentle wind song’s serenade answers back
Not a word of it really matters now...
I’m just a simple heart and soul

Writing the words of a fading memory
Trying to live life in balance
through words found here and now…

© 2012 Harlon Rivers