February 18th, 2013
... While recently attempting to explain some things I have been going through to a friend, I suggested coming here to the original post to "Diary of The falling Dominoes" October 1st of 2012 and then reading everything through October 9th, 2012. A more resent writing;
"A Victim of My Own Silence," the next item down from here is written during a current mood disorder cycle. I did reread this original post first, and realized this needs to be part of the top of this blog to be an aide in understanding and support...If anyone would like to contribute supportive writing or additional comments please contact me though the profile email address or comments and I will contact you by email.
I thought it would be a good idea to republish what this blog chapter is about because the darker moment was written about during a similar time... I want to be sure anyone reading the writing here understands it is a cathartic writing effort and an attempt to keep those that suffer from mood disorders aware that they are not alone and it will pass.... And additionally help others understand we have difficulties at times that may be misunderstood. If you have more interest in these imperfections and would like to explore further go down the right side bar to The October 2012 posts...
As time goes forward I plan on moving some Word Whisperer chapters here that should have been a Part of Diary of the Falling Dominoes before it had been started...
It is not my intention to be redundant, but I am passionate about advocating for those that just isolate during dark times, something I am all too familiar with...
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There are times when the dominoes begin to fall and there just is no stopping them...There are events that set inertia into motion...reasons why energy in motion stays in motion are less definable to a common wheel like me. Maybe the dominoes were already beginning to tip, or the way they were grounded became eroded by the forces of nature. Vertigo does feel like a tipping domino right before the big fall ... I just didn't imagine they would all fall down right now! We never do...That there would be no stopping the fall until the bottom of the familiar rabbit hole became bed rock bottom.
Falling dominoes are capable of unraveling a life tapestry as if one interwoven thread that bonds all others was tugged at just the right moment when all stars were aligned in the universe. You wouldn't know it by looking at a harmless domino...One step forward and two steps back. I am spinning like emotional dust in a dark tempest storm, no longer influenced by gravity, no longer in control of my destiny. When dominoes fall in darkness does anybody see? If you keep coming here you will see that somebody feels what is only metaphorically seen...You will see the introspective "Diary of the Falling Dominoes" document the unraveling tapestry of an illusion of a life once transparent evolving into a form opaque as dominoes...maybe a kind of reverse metamorphosis.
Growing outward, since I lean into the introverted side, has taken some effort outside the comfort zone...When things go wrong and dominoes begin to fall there is a common thing most of us do and that is find a comfort zone...experience tells use dominoes fall in every direction not just in a civil, organized manner like a cartoon show skit. Finding that comfort zone may require a journey backwards to an older, more familiar comfort zone we may have left behind thinking we no longer needed it. I got too far away from the comfort zone when lightning struck and I didn't make it back. That is how you grow and learn to be stronger.
Now I am in a familiar melancholia cycle. IRL depression is paying me a visit. I am no stranger to these visits but it has been awhile.
Rather than just withdraw, that would be an old comfort zone. I am going to write about it in the hopes that someone else that goes through these kinds of extended moments may understand that they are not alone in what they experience. Had I realized I was not alone at a younger age perhaps I would not be alone now... I have lost a sense of belonging and purpose since life changed for me because of an accident that has temporarily limited the use of my dominant hand. It has been 6 months now and there will be at least that to follow before there is much hope of getting back to the things that were a part of my essence. I am mostly physically whole and many have far more disability than I to deal with. But this is not about another's journey, this is about the Falling Dominoes. There will be creative expressions since that is cathartic for me as well as some straight up sobering moments.
It will not be for the faint at heart and may be triggering to those genetically inclined. Perhaps a chance to learn from another's mistakes, as darkness overwhelms the process but is eventually brought up the long latter, one baby step at a time, from the depths of the rabbit hole of depression into the light. There will be days when darkness does not even allow baby steps to be taken. From where I sit in this moment, I can barely distinguish the dim light from above and frankly I feel too ashamed to look up. I made it over a year without returning and felt recently that I would never return to this moment again. And then out of nowhere here I am.
I have not experienced this place in a long, long time so it was likely only a matter of time and a gift that I came this far through a turbulent perfect storm, that should have knocked me off the rails 10 months ago. I will need to pace this cage in the darkness as the dominoes continue to spiral downward from level ground until they stop at some point. When the bottom is reached I will rebuild this house of cards one domino at a time.
This journey and subject needs to be brought into the light...If we feel we cannot be loved as is because of our imperfections, I am willing to personally sacrifice my privacy in an attempt to advocate for others unable to speak up out of their own darkness, so that others who suffer from debilitating conditions may find hope though others compassion and understanding. Life is a long road with many twists, turns and bumps in the road. Nothing is inevitable...
...They will fall where & when they may...
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October 1, 2012
There are times when the dominoes begin to fall and there just is no stopping them...There are events that set inertia into motion...reasons why energy in motion stays in motion are less definable to a common wheel like me. Maybe the dominoes were already beginning to tip, or the way they were grounded became eroded by the forces of nature. Vertigo does feel like a tipping domino right before the big fall ... I just didn't imagine they would all fall down right now! We never do...That there would be no stopping the fall until the bottom of the familiar rabbit hole became bed rock bottom.
Falling dominoes are capable of unraveling a life tapestry as if one interwoven thread that bonds all others was tugged at just the right moment when all stars were aligned in the universe. You wouldn't know it by looking at a harmless domino...One step forward and two steps back. I am spinning like emotional dust in a dark tempest storm, no longer influenced by gravity, no longer in control of my destiny. When dominoes fall in darkness does anybody see? If you keep coming here you will see that somebody feels what is only metaphorically seen...You will see the introspective "Diary of the Falling Dominoes" document the unraveling tapestry of an illusion of a life once transparent evolving into a form opaque as dominoes...maybe a kind of reverse metamorphosis.
Growing outward, since I lean into the introverted side, has taken some effort outside the comfort zone...When things go wrong and dominoes begin to fall there is a common thing most of us do and that is find a comfort zone...experience tells use dominoes fall in every direction not just in a civil, organized manner like a cartoon show skit. Finding that comfort zone may require a journey backwards to an older, more familiar comfort zone we may have left behind thinking we no longer needed it. I got too far away from the comfort zone when lightning struck and I didn't make it back. That is how you grow and learn to be stronger.
Now I am in a familiar melancholia cycle. IRL depression is paying me a visit. I am no stranger to these visits but it has been awhile.
Rather than just withdraw, that would be an old comfort zone. I am going to write about it in the hopes that someone else that goes through these kinds of extended moments may understand that they are not alone in what they experience. Had I realized I was not alone at a younger age perhaps I would not be alone now... I have lost a sense of belonging and purpose since life changed for me because of an accident that has temporarily limited the use of my dominant hand. It has been 6 months now and there will be at least that to follow before there is much hope of getting back to the things that were a part of my essence. I am mostly physically whole and many have far more disability than I to deal with. But this is not about another's journey, this is about the Falling Dominoes. There will be creative expressions since that is cathartic for me as well as some straight up sobering moments.
It will not be for the faint at heart and may be triggering to those genetically inclined. Perhaps a chance to learn from another's mistakes, as darkness overwhelms the process but is eventually brought up the long latter, one baby step at a time, from the depths of the rabbit hole of depression into the light. There will be days when darkness does not even allow baby steps to be taken. From where I sit in this moment, I can barely distinguish the dim light from above and frankly I feel too ashamed to look up. I made it over a year without returning and felt recently that I would never return to this moment again. And then out of nowhere here I am.
I have not experienced this place in a long, long time so it was likely only a matter of time and a gift that I came this far through a turbulent perfect storm, that should have knocked me off the rails 10 months ago. I will need to pace this cage in the darkness as the dominoes continue to spiral downward from level ground until they stop at some point. When the bottom is reached I will rebuild this house of cards one domino at a time.
This journey and subject needs to be brought into the light...If we feel we cannot be loved as is because of our imperfections, I am willing to personally sacrifice my privacy in an attempt to advocate for others unable to speak up out of their own darkness, so that others who suffer from debilitating conditions may find hope though others compassion and understanding. Life is a long road with many twists, turns and bumps in the road. Nothing is inevitable...
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