Stuck in a Moment...

...looking back at where the dominoes fell...

October 6, 2012

When you’re stuck in a moment you can and will be left behind. Yes, “time waits for no one” is cliché but also a truism. Confessing and accepting our imperfections are big steps to embracing them and being worthy right now not after we accomplish some mind made event, that only then we will allow ourselves to feel worthy of living wholeheartedly. ...Accept yourself as you are right now…you are worthy right now...


I don’t want to go much farther here before I establish a very basic thought. When we are overcome by anxiety, depression or other disorders that leave us feeling alienated, just simply knowing there are others who understand because they have had similar experiences can be helpful. It is normal to feel down from time to time, but when these types of feelings seem to grasp on to your everyday life and not let go it may be depression. It is a condition that can make it hard to function, not to mention taking the joy out of life. Daily normal tasks can become difficult and overwhelming. A sense of hopelessness can make even trying to understand, what these feelings are about, daunting.


I am not anyone special other than a person who has lived a well functioning life for the most part even though I have suffered from anxiety and depression from time to time. I am here sharing because I once thought it was a weakness because of the social stigmas I thought were attached to those who suffered. Once I figured out that it was no different then any other treatable physical health condition, I was able to move forward. Few people have ever known that I have suffered through depression cycles. I refer to them as cycles for one reason. Even though there are times when you don’t think so…they always pass.


So I am throwing the cycle I am in, out as an example of what can go on after so many years of learning to be well functioning. As mentioned on earlier days, this cycle is different than others because there were really two triggers that started to overwhelm me. The odd thing is that in most instances you can identify the trends because you can learn from past experiences with practice. I don’t want to get too specific yet and want to be fairly general in the hopes that someone not understanding may start to. Seeing how triggers affect everyday life and that when we identify the sources, we call triggers, we can make adjustments to lessen their affect.


A short back story for reference…By mid September I had identified a change in my daily attention span. Having lost my father to cancer a number of years ago, the fact that his birthday was coming up began the cycle of ruminating old memories and with my injury, I had too much idle time to think. He passed 3 days after his birthday so that 3 to 4 day past time period is a very traumatic memory to me. We spent those final days as well as many others leading up to those days together during his short 3 months after terminal diagnosis. This is called a trigger because it can cause uncontrollable emotional reactions. Yes there are certainly ways to deal with that but that brings me to the second part.


By mid September, I was 6 months post torn right shoulder rotator cuff tendons… Surgery was June 27th so I was a few weeks into physical therapy after total arm immobilization for nearly 2 months. PT is painful and I have a 1 pound weight limit for my right hand. I would have to say that my normal quality of life, and everyone’s is different, was really beginning to erode away. However under the circumstances feeling down over it all was normal. Had I not learned so many coping skills in the past, depression would have overtaken me far sooner.

I don’t have many people in my life and my attitude was beginning to put a strain on the few relationships that mean so much more to me than the other side of it. No one really knows why now…just that they choose to no longer be around or communicate with me…Remember how I said highly sensitive people put much more emphasis on the littlest things. Now multiply that by a depression factor and it is a recipe for internalized hurt feelings. When you are honest about it, it can wear on others and they soon tire of the poor attitude. I understand and it and it is I who begins to overreact. The problem lies in the fact that you do not realize what you are doing until the damage is done. If I had a choice, I would not choose to be around me either...


On the morning between the anniversary of Dad’s birthday and passing I woke up to a BPPV event…Vertigo…I had no idea what was going on but it scared me to death…I will spare the details other than to say I went into a panic attack and when it stopped it was like I had been dropping daily but finally hit rock bottom. Trust me you know when you have gone through this even though it is really the only cycle in one year. All others have been turned around without an enduring problem. But not this one.


Today is day 11 at the bottom. I did not leave my house for 9 days and had quit PT completely using vertigo as the reason because I wanted to sleep all the time, the vertigo was a factor, but depression is the main thing that stopped me because I gave up and stopped trying because I was overwhelmed. I was lucky if I ate more than a snack in several days. Now I have been treated for BPPV and had a good day a physical therapy rehab Friday. Next week I have set the PT schedule so I am beginning the process of climbing out of the darkness. Baby steps...


Knowing my past, I recognize a new familiar sign that I am bottoming out…insomnia is a type of depression hang over to me. My treatment for BPPV requires that I sleep sitting up and I just cannot do it. When I get to this point I begin to retrace my steps because I realize what has happened. It truly has become a case for me where hind sight is 20/20. You see, I am still learning to read the signs before it is too late. This time I wasn't able to do much…Could medication change all this?…yes and no. It should always be considered as an option because it works great for many. I do not respond well to drugs so I am not on any medication. Years ago medications seemed to cause more problems than they helped for me only... One of the very first things you should do if you experience prolonged symptoms outside of your normal, is go see your regular doctor and be honest…It is not the time to be in denial!!! I get a complete physical every year for a lot of genetic reasons. By eliminating physical possibilities you can then take the next step which you family doctor can help you take. There are many self help books and resources to help bring this condition out of the closet and into the light.


As I sit here now at 3:00 AM on a sleepless Saturday morning, this depression isn't over yet but I do see a very dim light in the distance and I know this will pass. I am aware enough to know I have left a wake of damage in my rear view mirror. Normally I become withdrawn and go silent. I have learned that because of past experiences of misunderstanding when I am not myself...just shut up. Over a year ago I rode it out on a community support site that dealt with depression and the effects of heightened chronic side affects. That site closed down this past February just before my injury but not before I learned a lot about dealing with my problems. It is too easy to type out your feelings in an email not realizing the affect you could have on the receiving end of the email. The number one problem is denial...Even now I tell myself I am imagining it all until I wake up one day knowing I have been here before. It is the sickest of feelings knowing you are alone again because you tried but could not find understanding...At this moment, that is still the depression speaking. I will not edit because I want to share the internalized isolating process that takes place.


This cycle has taken a toll on the few people around me in a very short time. It is totally my fault that happened because it happened before new friendship even had a chance to build much of a foundation before the earth started shaking things loose. I should have just been silent and my gut knows that. Now it is too late because I shared too much detail without reassuring it would all pass and it became burdensome. It is crystal clear after you reach the turning point but not on the way down. Something I am truly sorry for but it is too late. The only people left in my life now are my physical therapy crew. It is time to start over again…It does pass but it often takes its toll on your personal life…I waited for too many years before I did anything about it like a typical man. I ended up lonely…That did not happen over night. I guess you cannot lose what you never had…However it doesn't keep you from understanding that nothing is inevitable.